SUFFERING: A story of friendship, betrayal, brokenness, forgiveness and healing

Is God really a loving God if he allows us to suffer?How can we really see the goodness of God in our darkest days? Can the most hurtful experiences really teach us anything about God? Does God really have compassion on us when we suffer? How long will suffering last? Hear my testimony: a story of friendship, betrayal, brokenness, forgiveness and healing and learn more about the topic of suffering and what God did in my life despite my pain.

(***This is. a true story. Actual names omitted from the blog/podcast***)

Hi Everyone, welcome back to the Unscripted Faith Podcast-

the place for Christian women to hear Biblical TRUTHS and insights in a straightforward,

candid and SOMETIMES humorous way

to help us get through these crazy times we’re living in. (although there probably won’t be a whole lot of humor in TODAY’S podcast

Because we’re going to be digging into some pretty weird

And meaty stuff…) I’m your host Jessie T

and the LAST (and very FIRST) podcast I ever did

was on the difference between Temptation

And suffering

And I want to CONTINUE on the topic of suffering

because

That FIRST podcast was a little “LITE”

on the idea of suffering

And I KNOW there are a lot of hurting souls in the world today

So I feel I would be COMPLETELY remiss

if I didn’t go a little DEEPER on this topic

Because there are SO many different ways we could go.

Let me ASSURE you that I am no stranger to suffering MYSELF

And I just want to sort of…

LEVEL with you all for a minute

Because I ELUDED to this in my FIRST podcast

So I think this would be a good place

to talk about what HAPPENED to me

And why I PICKED this topic as the very FIRST thing

to put out there for you guys to listen to . This is my TESTIMONY

And it might make some people pretty uncomfortable

I mean, to be HONEST, It was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable for ME to go through it

And it’s STILL a little uncomfortable for me to SHARE it…

But I really believe that the Lord GAVE me this story

That I NEVER would have chosen for MYSELF

To share it with YOU… BEFORE I get into it, I just want to say that I SHARE this testimony with you with a bit of TREPIDATION…

at the RISK that I KNOW that some of you who are about to LISTEN to this story

Might think I’m a lunatic

But I know for a FACT

That at least ONE person who is listening

Knows that this IS the actual truth

and I didn’t make it up

Because she played a KEY part in the GOOD part of the story and the ending

So if for no one else on earth,

This story is for her

And we’ve been talking for over a year about perhaps SHARING this someday for the masses,

Even though it is pretty BIZARRE.

What I DON’T want you to get hung up on

Is the details,

Or the main topic or catalyst for what CAUSED my suffering. I want you to get caught up on

what the LORD has DONE in me

And what He has SHOWN me through all of this

So you can BETTER understand

why I decided to START here

With THIS as my first podcast topic

Instead of something much more lighthearted and EASIER to listen to.

AND I also share this testimony

In the hopes that I might IDENTIFY

with the fact that if YOU’VE chosen

To listen to this podcast because you are in a season of suffering right now, I want to be able to PROVE to you that I’m not making light of it

And I, too, have deep feelings and fears around Suffering like everyone else. I don’t want you to think that I’m recording this podcast for you as a VICTOR,

But rather,

as someone who is STILL in the MIDDLE of the storm...

SO here goes nothing-

I grew up

Like so many people

Very poor

To drug addicted,

ALCOHOLIC,

And drug DEALING parents

And EVERYTHING you can imagine that goes with that scene or that crowd.

I was born to a mother with no more than an 8th grade education

And several children that she had given UP for ADOPTION

Before I was even BORN

And a father who only held like one or two jobs

Throughout my ENTIRE childhood that I can remember-

Otherwise, he was just selling drugs,

Drinking and partying ALL the time. That’s how we made money to survive.

The first home I remember living in was a school bus.

(This is a story in and of itself

but for NOW,

that’s all I’m going to say about my childhood).

I became a Christian at 18 years old

When I began going to church and gained a lot of Bible knowledge

After I gave my life to the Lord, I began to do all the things I THOUGHT I should…

like going to CHURCH

Listening only to praise and WORSHIP music

Cleaning up my LANGUAGE,

SERVING in my church,

And I did my best to be a better person

In general

This is the time in my life

when the Bible STOPPED sounding like Chinese to me,

I guess you could say that THIS is when

the Lord “opened the EYES of my UNDERSTANDING,

As stated in Luke 24:25.

I believe that I was TRULY saved at that point in my life

Because I don’t think that we can TRULY understand the Bible

UNLESS the Holy Spirit indwells us. This is when I remember that I began to feel CONVICTION

for my wrong actions and choices,

And so when I tell my testimony, THIS is the age that I point to when I say that I gave my life to the Lord… HOWEVER,

God had a LOOOOTTT of work to do in me….

And it would be YEARS before I could actually TELL that His HAND

Was ON my life in a big way.

There was SOooo much more to it that I would later LEARN

(And that I would learn it in the most BIZARRE ways

I could’ve ever imagined.) In 2016 I began to pursue a LIFELONG dream of becoming a hairstylist.

And at HAIR school

is where I met a young lady

who was QUITE a bit YOUNGER than me,

But we had pretty much EVERYTHING in common

And she was one of those “OLD souls”,

And we became fast friends. So…..when I opened my SALON in 2018,

I recruited HER to work with me

because we JIVED really WELL together

And I KNEW I could TRUST her around money

and the CLIENT book,

And because she was INCREDIBLY skilled in her craft.

N********e and I had a GOOD thing going

and many mornings, We would arrive EARLY to work

Just so we could sit and chat about

whatever,

Often times she would ask me about my FAITH

And on more than a FEW occasions,

She told me that she HERSELF was a Christian,

But she was a “WEAK” Christian

And really wanted to know MORE about how to get her LIFE more in line

with a Christian lifestyle

So she would ask ME questions about how to do that And the TRUTH is, I was a TERRIBLE Christian friend to her

Because I all but REFUSED

to go there with her

Because I wasn’t even living MY OWN life right at that time. I hadn’t been to church in at LEAST a year,

And I CERTAINLY was NOT the perfect example

of someone who should be FOLLOWED

As an example of any form of godliness,

And NO ONE knew that better than ME!

I had become more WORLDLY during my time away from church

than Christian

And deep down, I KNEW it…

So how could I disciple HER (Which was essentially what she was asking for)? So, I would give her the most NON-COMMITTAL answer I could THINK of

And QUICKLY change the subject.

Besides wanting to talk about my FAITH,

She was also VERY intent on asking me

if I knew anything about the SHOP that was across the street,

or the OWNER of the shop.

So I told her I didn’t know-

I mean, I had only ever seen the owner of that shop maybe or TWICE

When I was headed across the street to the local grocery store

to grab a bite for lunch. Other than that,

I didn’t even KNOW what kind of shop she was RUNNING-

It was hard to tell just from looking outside the windows.

But EVERY other topic under the sun

was pretty much fair game between us.

I had no reason to believe that SHE didn’t feel the same about me

as I felt about HER: She was my BEST friend

And confidant. …or so I THOUGHT.

Over the course of the 2 years that we worked together in the salon,

Well meaning friends (and even my own HUSBAND)

Would come and WARN me about her,

Telling me to be careful around her

Because she was “two-faced”

But all I could see

was how HONEST,

And DELIGHTFUL she was.

In my eyes, she could do NO wrong.

In 2019, I was tapped by the political party of which I associate

To run for political office.

THIS left N********e largely in charge of my salon,

Which I was TOTALLY fine with. I couldn’t think of a more trustworthy person than her.

Off and on,

When I would pop into the shop,

N********eN********e continued to ask me about my faith,

And I continued to be as foolish about ANSWERING her

as I had been all along.

To be honest, I had PLENTY of other things on my mind

Now that I was running for office. I was extremely preoccupied with this new challenge

And was spending a lot less time with my family and in the salon.

HOWEVER,

I had begun going back to CHURCH around that time

MOSTLY because of the CONVICTION I felt

when she DID want to inquire about my faith

and how I LIVE it or walk it OUT every day

In early 2020,

just before the pandemic,

N********e told me she was UNABLE to continue being self employed

Because she had an autoimmune disorder

and really needed GOOD health insurance to keep her body well. SO, with my blessing,

And with a glowing recommendation that I provided for her new employer She left

and was hired at a company that would pay MOST of her health insurance benefits that she needed

And I was HAPPY for her.

But of course,

This meant that we wouldn’t be SEEING as much of each other anymore.

ST|ILL,

we continued to message/call and text every one in awhile

And N********e continued to inquire about my faith And I continued my SILLY game

of not REALLY answering her and changing the subject.

Then, in JULY,

After seeing each other in months, N********e and I got together for lunch. On that day,

She shared with me that she found out about who owned the shop across from my shop.

She shared that it was a second hand-type shop

with some kind of non-profit aspect to it

And while she thought the shop was COOL,

She was concerned

because some of her friends were beginning to hang out with the owner,

Who she THOUGHT might be practicing witchcraft. I remember giggling about it

Because I HONESTLY didn’t KNOW that it was even a THING.

I thought it was just in the movies…

(Like Hansel and Gretel

or the witch from Snow White and the 7 Dwarves). I AMUSED myself with the idea of someone stirring a cauldron,

Riding a broom,

Or mixing some kind of love potion

To make their crush fall in love with them……those sorts of things.

I was ADMITTEDLY, COMPLETELY Oblivious

That this was ACTUALLY some people’s religion

Or that it was even classified as such at all. I had just never had reason to give it much thought

And frankly,

I was not the type of Christian who even cared whether or not someone

Practiced any other type of religion that was different from my own… Which is sad, really,

because Christians ARE supposed to care about the eternal destination of other peoples souls…

But that was just not something I really gave much thought to.

So I felt inclined to blow off this CONCERN N********e shared with me

About witchcraft. But then she said that she was worried

that her friends might be starting to follow this false religion

And that one of her friends, H*******a,

had started to get into astrology

and go to these spiritual things where they would contact the dead in order to predict their future

Or speak to dead people

And she said that SHE herself was TOTALLY against that stuff,

And wasn't even sure she wanted to still be friends with this girl anymore and she wanted me to tell her what to do (which I didn’t)...

And she wanted to be able to share the gospel with her friends,

But she didn’t know how

And couldn’t really figure out how to explain to them

that this behavior and these things they were taking part in were dangerous. She asked me if I would be willing to write some Scriptures up for her about witchcraft

and things like that

So she could eventually share them with her friends at some point. I SAID yes, but I thought,

“Yeah, there’s like…NO way I’m doing that…” Because I still didn’t even know if I BELIEVED in all of that stuff

Or that people actually DID those things with any sort of EXPECTATION that it might be real

And I felt a little skeptical about the whole thing. We parted ways that day,

And for 2 weeks

I did NOT research witchcraft or any other related topics in the Bible

And I just thought,

“well, if she’s REALLY a Christian,

then sharing the gospel shouldn’t be TOO difficult for her, right?.” She had previously told me her grandmother had been a Pastor

And that she had a Bible that her dad gave her but she didn't read it much,

So I was inclined to wonder about the fact that she had told me she was a Christian if she had grown up in church but didn’t know what the gospel was

And the fact that she wasn’t just looking these verses up for herself.

Then one day,

About 2 weeks after we had spent time together,

a dear Christian friend of mine came over to visit

And this woman had been my “Spiritual MENTOR” for MANY years

And while she was visiting me that day,

She happened to share this story with me

about how she was downtown a week or so prior to coming to see me

And she stumbled into this new shop located across from my salon

Because she was looking for a birthday gift for her granddaughter

And she thought she’d check this place out

to see what she might find. While she was wandering aimlessly through the store,

The owner of the gift shop approached her

and greeted her,

introducing herself,

And offered to help her find something (nothing out of the ordinary there) Well, according to my Christian friend,

She says that the owner of the shop directed her toward a few things to consider for her granddaughter

But THEN she noticed there was this “Book of Spells” or something

Sitting near the counter.

My friend asked about the book,

And the owner of the shop

picked it up and showed it to my Christian friend,

Explaining that she is a multi-generational gray witch,

And then she noticed some tarot cards

And some other “witchy types of things” (as she said) …I guess… in the shop in various places as she was looking around So…..my friend left without purchasing anything that day.

After hearing this, I thought,

“Wow….I REALLY had NO CLUE that there were ACTUAL books on this stuff.”

And I was more inclined to believe that yes, MAYBE this stuff was real

And maybe people really WERE following this religion N********e was telling me about.

And I began to give more thought

to what she had said about all of this.

Maybe I really DID need to know if the Bible had anything to say about these types of things.

So I opened my Bible

and began to search out related Scriptures to all of the things N********e had mentioned.

For anyone who actually STUDIES the Bible,

you KNOW that the Bible has a LOOTTT to say about this kind of stuff

And at THAT point, I realized that I was about to get SCHOOLED on the matter.

After realizing that N********e wasn’t wrong about her concerns she shared with me, I bought N********e a brand new Bible of her own-

A really NICE hand painted,

cloth covered,

gold leaf page Bible

That cost me a pretty penny

But I figured she was WORTH it because I loved her and I thought she’d appreciate it! When the Bible arrived, I took the time to write down all the Scriptures I could find in the Bible about these topics

And put them on index cards and stuck the cards in the pages of the Bible

with the corresponding verses

so she wouldn’t have to look them all up HERSELF. (That took me like….

5 DAYS to complete.

And I did this for her because she had me convinced that she was SO concerned for her friends

And that she didn’t seem to know how to do this all by herself,

So I just wanted to do it FOR her and help save her some time) By the end of it, I had learned that this was INDEED

a SERIOUS matter to God….

But I ALSO worried that this would all be so CONFUSING to her to understand

Or that I would be overwhelming her by presenting her with this Bible

Filled with index cards and scriptures so I thought it might need some explanation.

It seemed to me that perhaps, even though she had TOLD me she’s a Christian,

She didn’t know how to READ a Bible

And maybe, she didn’t even ACTUALLY know the gospel, either,

And perhaps that was the reason she was struggling to be able to share it with her friends thats he said she was worried about.

So I wrote a letter to explain why I prepared the Bible the way I did for her,

And to help her understand the gospel.

In the letter, I recapped the fact that SHE had been asking ME questions about C***n,

( the shop owner.)

I acknowledged HER concerns she had shared with me

about her other friends

I acknowledged that she was CORRECT in worrying about surrounding herself (or her FRIENDS surrounding THEMSELVES)

with people who were going down a wayward path like this

and cited verses from Proverbs and such to back that up.

And I shared in the letter this experience that my Christian friend had shared with me,

And I warned her, as stated in the Bible (again, citing Proverbs)

to stay AWAY from such teachings,

And be careful who she might hang out with,

Again- as is stated in the Bible

And I CLOSED the letter with the gospel

And by letting her know that I loved her and missed her

and hoped she was doing well,

But I would also understand if this letter and Bible were all overwhelming to her or if they rubbed her the wrong way because I knew that the Gospel and the Bible DOES tend to irritate people sometimes. The very next day,

she replied THANKING me for the Bible

and taking the time to write out the Scriptures

And she explained that the Bible meant a lot to her because the only Bible she had owned previously came from her father, from whom she was estranged BUT… I knew I had been PLAYED when she ended with,

“But I have chosen my OWN path” Well, that was frustrating (Because I had just wasted ALL of that money,

Energy

And TIME away from my family

Just to accommodate her year long request)

BUT at the SAME time,

She’s an adult and she is ALLOWED to choose who she wants to serve or worship. So I just wrote it off as “Thanks but no thanks” And I figured that IF we remained friends,

I’d never mention this topic to her again,

And I also planned to DISTANCE myself from her going forward

Since she had CLEARLY chosen the very same way she had told me she DISAGREED with-

But again, she’s allowed to do that. . So I thought I’d wash my hand of it,

Move on and live happily ever after…and she would do the same. HOWEVER,

several days LATER,

My PHONE began blowing up with notifications and messages

Asking me what in the WORLD I had just done…. Screenshots piled in on private messenger

Of PHOTOS of the LETTER that I wrote to N********e PERSONALLY That were NOT posted by N********e her HERSELF…. NO! INSTEAD,

The photos of my LETTER

were posted by C***n,

the owner of the shop that N********e was SUPPOSEDLY….. SO concerned about. The post went local viral

and was shared at LEAST a couple hundred times from what I could see

(and that’s not including those who shared it from PRIVATE accounts that I could NOT see) The post C***n, wrote made it clear that this was all done as an attempt to attack my political aspirations, and basically for no other reason.

Her post stated that I basically had written N********e an UNSOLICITED letter

And she didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

She also stated that I had *UNJUSTLY* attacked her (C***n,) and her business,

And that It was unfair for ME to BULLY her

When she does SO much for the community (through her nonprofit)

And an abuse of my political aspirations

to ruin her business reputation that she worked so hard to build…. And people just ate it right up without asking ME for any context or my side of the story.

Of course, she NEVER mentioned that either we BOTH had been played by N********e

Or that she was conspiring AGAINST me with N********e

To attack my campaign.

WORSE than all of that,

C***n, was soliciting people in the comments section of her original post

to write about their “negative experiences” they’ve had with me,

Fishing for more information and comments from people who were reacting to her post that she made about me just trying to find MORE things wrong with me than JUST the letter.

So, of course, people came out of the woodwork

And people I didn’t even KNOW were telling stories about me that were obviously not true,

Twists of truth, assumptions, or things like that.

These comments also come from people that just didn’t like my business who began to write bogus reviews about business dealings they had with me,

And things like that. Even my old STUDY HALL teacher (From like 23 years ago) got involved in the bashing session,

And it was almost laughable because I was SUCH a goodie-two-shoes in school… and I had HARDLY seen her since then!

It was ridiculous. But the humor didn’t last long… These people were truly out for blood…

In short order I was receiving DEATH threats.

I was run off the road We had our tires slashed in our own front yard on 2 of our vehicles

on three separate occasions.

The assistant soccer coach told the whole soccer team that my daughter belonged to

About the letter I wrote.

So of course SHE got bullied, too Then,

a teacher pulled up the letter on his cell phone

and passed it around in a cafeteria full of

same - age peers as my kids. These were kids that my children had gone to school with since preschool,

So friendships were lost,

And THEIR parents began to hate me as well…

As well as other TEACHERS, so that was quite a mess.

— by the way, this incident in the cafeteria happened NINE MONTHS

After the fact

AND not only that, but my letter was used at the local high school

As an example of religious bigotry in a history class (so much for just letting the storm pass, I guess)

So there was NO WAY I could even send my kids back to public school after the pandemic was over. I can’t imagine what they would have suffered. It would’ve been like throwing my kids into the lions den,

And we would’ve had to have had faith like Daniel- and I just didn’t have that at that point.

Ever since all of this has happened,

I haven’t been able to go to the local bank,

Grocery store,

Post office,

Go to the town parades

Or festivals,

Walk down the street,

or ANYTHING since then

Without feeling

or ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING some sort of hate filled SOMETHING happening…. In the end (or what I HOPED would be the end) of all of this,

I LOST the political race,

But don’t feel bad for me because

I IMMEDIATELY

I recognized that LOSS

as the GRACE and MERCY of God

Because if I had WON,

Then I would have had a few hundred CRUEL spirited, apparently “witchy” little minions running aroundJust waiting on bated breath

For me to mess SOMETHING up

So they could FURTHER the scandal

And celebrate their success of this horrific character assassination they had put out against me.

As for C***n,, she immediately began to receive defensive accolades about what a wonderful, kind hearted person she was and how she didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. No one acknowledged the fact that I didn’t say anything bad about C***n's, character. No one acknowledged the fact that C***n, herself posts frequently and very publicly about this fact that she IS a witch, so it wasn’t private knowledge. No one acknowledged that my letter was a PERSONAL letter that was NOT addressed to C***n,, but to N********e. No one wondered why N********e wasn’t the one posting this stuff herself and why C***n, was doing it FOR her. And I said nothing. I saw the comments. I saw people from my own Facebook friends list choosing N********e and C***n's, side against me. I saw people mocking me. I saw the mean things they said about my kids. I saw it all. And I said nothing….because IF these people were REALLY “conjuring up” these dark spirits, then there was no way my words of reason would be able to get through to them. I was upset because I didn’t see a single one of my friends defend me on C***n's, post. I’m not sure if they were scared of her, or what but I know that if I had seen one of my friends getting bashed like that online, I certainly would have spoken up. But I learned that not everyone knows how to be a good friend anymore,

Or how to stand up to an actual bully. Furthermore, no one seems to know how to recognize manipulation when they see it, either. Six months after this post was made, I did try to call this shop owner because the truth was,

I wasn’t TRYING to bash HER character at all. I was SIMPLY answering N********e's questions,

And if I really and truly had hurt her feelings, then I wanted a chance to apologize to her in person. However, she would not answer the phone, and I certainly wasn’t going to waltz into her shop after what she had put me through and risk her going crazy (whatever that might’ve meant). So, since she wouldn’t answer the phone,

I ended up buying a nice card, and writing her a note to apologize to her for hurting her feelings. I also included a $100 bill for her nonprofit. A week or so later, I received a letter from C***n, thanking me for her donation, but also stating, “I just want to put this behind me”....as though SHE had been the one so violated by this dramatic, cruel spirited, organized thing she had done to ME. But…she kept my $100, so I guess that was good enough for her. But the point is that GOD sees all of this

And GOD knows…. Try as we might, we can never fool God Almighty,

So my conscience is clear. I HAD the best of intentions,

But I still got burned. I did the right thing by apologizing…

But she has chosen to uphold what she perceives as her truth that I attacked her without any reason to do so. This was THE hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life,

And that’s saying a A LOT after the many things I’ve been through. But it was the FIRST time I started to REALLY think about the verse

In John 3: 30, “He must increase- I must decrease”. I WANTED to decrease after all of that mess!!! I didn’t WANT to be anything other than small

Because with BIGNESS

Comes RESPONSIBILITY and CRITICISM

And I had CERTAINLY had my share at that point. My initial reaction was to stay in bed and cry A LOTTT And pray

And read my BIBLE as much as I could

or consume as many SERMONS as I could…. I wanted to stay under the protective and mighty shadow of His wing…. But EVENTUALLY I became TIRED and DEPRESSION set in

Because SOMETIMES,

that’s what suffering DOES to you And friend, if you’re a Christian and you’ve been led to believe like I was

That being depressed is somehow UNgodly-

Let me encourage you to open up the book of PSALMS

Where King David so ARTICULATELY and poetically

expresses his DESPAIR,

DEPRESSION,

HEARTACHE,

SORROWS and sufferings. It is NOT ungodly to FEEL feelings. We are HUMAN- and God MADE us with feelings. What IS ungodly

Is if you start to fall in love with STAYING there

And start to treat your depression like an IDOL

Or you SIN in your despair and anger. Psalms is the book that I began to read when I was going THROUGH all of this

And it felt GOOD to be able to RELATE to someone in the Bible

(ESPECIALLY the part where David prayed for the DEMISE of his enemies- I hate to admit it but I LIKED that part of Psalms,

And I, too, prayed for their demise….

but I’m NOT recommending that YOU do the same

because ACTUALLY,

that’s NOT what God instructs us to do in our suffering

And we’ll talk about that in the next podcast, so be watching for it).

After the depression wore off,

And Probably partly BECAUSE I was praying for the demise of my enemies, I became BITTER and VERY angry.

I became someone I didn’t even RECOGNIZE anymore. I ate myself into oblivion

And gained an embarrassing amount of weight.

Everything that proceeded from my mouth during that season of life

was SARCASTIC

or MEAN spirited…

And as much as I THOUGHT that would make me FEEL better, It didn’t

Because the anger and spite took on a life of its own

And I just wanted opportunities to hurt these people back

But BIGGER than they had hurt me. The TRUTH is,

Being bitter,

cynical

and angry

ACTUALLY takes a LOT of work…

But I KNEW I didn’t WANT to be depressed again,

And now that being ANGRY wasn’t working… I wasn’t sure WHAT to do…or HOW to feel

So in my EXHAUSTION,

I cried out to God and just said,

“Okay….I give UP!

What is it that you WANT from me?

What do you want me to LEARN…. or DO? HELP ME!!” And that was when God did this SUPER crazy Plot twist

where one of my PERSECUTORS

Actually messaged me on Facebook

APOLOGIZING for the part she had played in hurting me.

We exchanged many messages that night where she OPENLY shared her heart with me

And told me where she was AT when she took part in the organized character assassination that N********e and C***n, had plotted against me.

And we ended up making breakfast plans for the following weekend.

That’s when she told me that SHE had given

or recommitted her life to the Lord

….And AMAZINGLY

we’ve been friends ever since! BUT not only THAT,

But At the TIME,

the church I had been attending had split into 3 services to accommodate covid restrictions and to alleviate some maximum capacity issues with the town

And come to find out,

She and I were BOTH attending the SAME church for the past few MONTHS

But we didn’t know it because either she was watching online

Or we were attending different services! The thing was, I had never met her in person, so I didn’t even know what she LOOKED like. Even if we had seen each other in the sanctuary, I wouldn't have known it was her.

Her reaching out to me presented me with an opportunity to extend FORGIVENESS to her

And I felt like that BIG ol’ wall I had built up for over a year

Came crumbling down like a house of cards. I WISH I could tell you that MORE people have come forward to apologize to me since then

But that’s NOT the case.

In fact, they’re STILL (almost 3 years later) making posts about me

and the incident every once in a while… BUT what THEY don’t know is that just like Joseph’s brothers,

What THEY intended to HARM me,

GOD intended for GOOD. And my testimony- it wasn’t just so God could just make things sort of okay-or put them back exactly where they were before this all happened-

My testimony is that GOD has done something MIRACULOUS in my heart

And with my walk with the Lord.

Actually,

It was THROUGH this mess

that God was finally able to teach me UNCONDITIONAL Love

And how to ACCEPT His love

DESPITE my bad choices, and flaws

Because up UNTIL that point in my life,

I only understood LOVE

As being the REWARD for GOOD behavior

Which was rooted way back in my childhood and I KNOW that I’m not alone in thinking that way.

I was FINALLY able to move BEYOND “God I’m SO sorry….I’m SO unworthy…why do you even love me? HOW can you truly love a wretch like ME…I am the WORST…I hate myself”

In my prayer life

To being able to enter His courts with THANKSGIVING and PRAISE

And automatically KNOWING

that DESPITE my stupidity, mistakes,

and despite the WORST parts of me,

That God LOVES me

And He will NEVER abandon me

EVEN if I TRY to make him HATE me-

I’m just not that powerful…. I hope you heard what I just said and really let that sink in…

Because that part of my testimony isn’t just for ME…

It’s for those of you whose hearts won’t allow God’s love to penetrate…. THAT is how RADICALLY He loves YOU, too! And yes, that’s how radically he even loves those people who HATE Him…which is mind-boggling, really. This was also the beginning of the part of my Christian walk

Where I WANTED to change….

Because I WANT to bring glory to His name

And I WANT to share what He has done FOR me and INSIDE of me

Because I WANT other people to be able to UNDERSTAND That sometimes,

we,

the clay in the Potter's hands,

like to get all squishy and wobbly…

And if you’ve ever made pottery before on a wheel,

you KNOW that you can’t STRENGTHEN a wobbly vessel on the pottery wheel. The ONLY way to fix it is You have to SMASH it and start OVER… And that’s what God did for ME- smashed what I had become….so He could build me back so much more perfectly than I ever thought possible. And yeah, it HURT…. You wanna talk about pain and anguish?

I had actually become SUICIDAL for the first time in my life

BECAUSE of the bullying that I had to deal with on a pretty much DAILY basis

thanks to this friend of mine

Who set me up…. I guess it wasn’t enough just to not vote for me…

And I could get bitter about THAT all OVER again,

But the TRUTH is,

God USED N********e (and C***n,)

To break me down

In order to BUILD me back up

So that GOD could USE me in HIS purposes that I just couldn’t have foreseen in my own humanity….

And this was the WILL of God….

And thankfully, I’m at a place now where I can see the BEAUTY in it all… BUT there is NO WAY I would ever rewrite my story differently if God gave me the choice to do it over gain

Now that I SEE what God has done….. He SMASHED my pride,

He took all but maybe TWO of my friends

And replaced a friend with an UNLIKELY friend who is now walking with the LORD

He RIPPED my reputation to SHREDS,

He HURT my feelings He LISTENED to my PRAYERS

and kept them filed away until JUST the right time to answer them He let me be MAD at Him

He ALLOWED me to question His intentions and plan for my life

He TAUGHT me how to hold on LOOSELY to people, while loving them FIERCELY He taught me that I may not have EVER reached His purpose for me,

Had not BROKEN me and REBUILT me the way He NEEDED to so I could fulfill His plan (which I believe is THIS podcast!)

He taught me that He TRULY never leaves And that EVEN if you have a Dad or a Mom that isn’t good or is downright evil-

That HE is the one from which we should get our IDEAS about what a REAL loving father or mother should do or be- NOT the world

He taught me about grace and MERCY He taught me that He is WORTH the cost of witnessing He taught me that He can use our BIGGEST catastrophes and heartbreaks to bring about something SO much better than we could dream of He taught me how to PRAY for my enemies

And He taught me that sometimes there really is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING left but God

- and THAT’s OK And I can’t even CONTAIN or list all of the LESSONS I’ve learned through this…

but my GOAL

is to TRY as much as I can

to share them with YOU

Even if it’s a continuous process My story is proof of one of the reasons for suffering- and that is SANCTIFICATION or purification to be fit for service to God.

And I’m okay with that now, which is a miracle in and of itself because OLD me would NEVER have allowed this to happen if I had seen it coming. We’ll go over some of the OTHER purposes for suffering in the NEXT podcast

But I’ll give you a little spoiler alert for now -

ONE of the reasons for suffering is so that we can USE our suffering to ENCOURAGE OTHERS. Well, about a year and a half after all of this happened, God began to lay on my heart this idea that I need to TELL this story

And I’m SURE you can imagine

Based on the content and subject of this testimony

Why I was HESITANT to do this…. People don’t TALK about witchcraft

And they don’t just go around sharing SUPER spiritual things about demons,

and casting spells and stuff-

That’s just…..WEIRD! And I NEVER EVER wanted to ever be associated with ANY such thing, I can assure you of THAT. But about a year and a half AFTER my unlikely new friend and previous Prosecutor had apologized to me

And we struck up this friendship,

I kept hearing sermons talking about sharing your testimony

And there were a great number of CONFIRMING moments for me

on a Sunday morning

when I KNEW God was pressing this into my heart,

And even she would come over to me and be like, “Um, I feel like that sermon was for YOUUU….” Then about a week before Christmas,

I was mulling over the idea of starting a podcast

The funny thing is

I never really listened to ANY podcast myself in my entire life at that point,

so I didn’t even know what they were supposed to sound like

And I decided it was time to start figuring that out

So as part of my research,

I started listening to podcasts so I could know what one was SUPPOSED to sound like

If I was going to start one

And on THAT particular day,

I was sitting on the couch crocheting a blanket for my husband for Christmas

Listening to the “Whoa That’s Good” podcast

by Sadie Robertson

and she had a guest speaker,

Taya

on that day (and I didn’t even know who SHE was, either…)

But anyway, Taya said something like, “God wants to hear YOUR voice” or “THEY want to hear YOUR voice”... I can’t remember the exact context she was speaking to

But that’s what she BASICALLY said

And it was like a physical little prick in the side…

So I knew that it was time for me to get on it,

Lest I end up like Jonah

when he was sent to preach to the people of Nineveh and get swallowed by and spit up by a whale! And since this testimony

Was SO traumatic

And is also the single most PROMINENT thing that has happened to me in my adult life, I figured THAT was where I would begin. So the topic of SUFFERING will be a few episodes long

Because it’s actually quite involved. My episodes on suffering will certainly NOT be exhaustive-

I don’t claim to be a Pastor or anything,

I'm just a girl with some experience that I am CONFIDENT that God wants me to share

And I WHOLEheartedly BELIEVE

that God will use it to minister to someone out there who may be in the throes of suffering and pain,

And my HOPE

is that it helps to bring them THROUGH that season a little quicker

In an emotional sense

And helps them to grow BETTER,

Not BITTER. Just because I’m making this podcast series on suffering DOESN’T Mean that you’ll ALWAYS feel super happy when trials come your way. I think in terms of human existence, that would be somewhat unnatural. Jesus knew SOMETHING about suffering

Because not ONLY did He suffer things that a human could suffer

Like physical torture,

loneliness,

grief,

Alienation,

And anguish,

He ALSO suffered in a way that NONE of us will ever HAVE to suffer- (and none of us could even HANDLE suffering)

And that’s because in ADDITION to every human experience He endured, HE ALSO had the CRUSHING weight of God’s WRATH thrown upon Him

To annihilate OUR SIN. And BEFORE that even took PLACE

HE KNEW it was going to happen, because He’s also God….

That’s WHY

In the garden of Gethsemane, He PRAYED

“If there be ANY other way, PLEASE let this cup pass from me…”

Because he was looking ahead toward the HORROR that awaited Him

And he AGONIZED over how that was going to FEEL for Him

And THEN,

While EVERY sin

Of EVERY person in the world was laid upon Him, Jesus FELT forsaken…. FORSAKEN

Is not a word we use a lot anymore

And maybe you don’t know what that means. “FORSAKEN” means ABANDONED

Or deserted. We KNOW that Jesus felt ABANDONED by God the Father

Because in the gospels of Mark 15:34 and Matthew 24:46 It is written that Jesus cried out,

“My God, My God- Why have you forsaken me?” DOES that mean that God LITERALLY abandoned Jesus?

Evangelicals sometimes argue over this verse. Some say yes,

it means He LITERALLY did forsake Jesus because He cannot look upon Sin.

I, on the other hand,

tend to see it as maybe Jesus was expressing a very REAL

And RAW human emotion

Under INTENSE stress

Just like we do when WE suffer….

He WONDERED where God WAS

And he FELT abandoned….

And I may be wrong,

But I don’t think that God would turn His face away from Jesus

Because ALTHOUGH every sin was laid upon Jesus,

And even THOUGH God cannot look upon Sin,

Jesus was STILL God.

And GOd was essentially STILL Jesus… And of course, it’s also POSSIBLE

That BOTH of these things are true at the same time as well: That God couldn’t look upon Jesus with the sins of the world laid upon Him,

But even if He didn’t LOOK at Jesus, He didn’t LEAVE him either…

And that Jesus,

In his EXPERIENCE as a human being,

Was expressing his torment…

But again, I hold space for my own error

or differences of opinion. This isn’t a hill I’m willing to die on.

In either case, we KNOW this is how Jesus was FEELING for sure.

And so we KNOW that when we cry out to our Advocate, Jesus Christ,

He TRULY understands us at a human level,

Not just from a palace up in the clouds

And THAT is something that brings me GREAT comfort.

Because it would be difficult, perhaps,

For God to have COMPASSION on us when we cry out,

If He hadn’t ALREADY also suffered the same things we are wrestling with ourselves. So that’s my TESTIMONY I know it’s weird… Yes, it was uncomfortable for me to share it with you just because of the CONTENT

But my prayer is that SOMEONE will be encouraged by this

And be able to SEE how good GOD was in MY life…

But MORE importantly,

That YOU will be able to look at your OWN struggle

And see how good He is in YOUR life as well…

And find ways to praise Him DESPITE whatever the circumstances are. Maybe you’re going through a rough time in your marriage

And God has put people in your life who will PRAY for you

Or give you Godly counsel.

Maybe you’ve lost a job,

But God is providing UNexplainable COMFORT amidst this uncertain time. Or maybe you’ve suffered one of the most DREADED tragedies of all-

Losing your child or your SPOUSE

But God has appointed people in your life to drop off MEALS

So you don’t have to think about cooking for a while

And you can bring your grieving heart to the LORD

Because you have more TIME to DO so

BECAUSE of those meals that have been provided for you.

YES, the SUFFERING still exists

And YES, it IS painful…

And although His mercies are new every DAY,

That DOESN’T MEAN that we will see his mercy with every SUNRISE…. SOMETIMES there is MOURNING

Before the morning… And we have to remember that TIME

Is a construct of MAN

And that GOD

Exists OUTSIDE of time… HIS “Morning” may be totally different from ours…. But THROUGH this day or SEASON that you’re stumbling through

God is STILL good

EVEN when we do not SEE it…. But if we LOOK for it,

We can FIND it a lot easier

Than if we stay STUCK in our place of darkness

And don’t at least TRY to move forward. If YOUR heart is in a season of suffering right now,

I want to leave you with this verse that I’m in love with lately. It’s actually a BLESSING

And I want to share this with you

To hopefully bring you comfort.

It’s from Numbers 6:24-26,

“‘“The Lord bless you

and keep you;

25

the Lord make his face shine on you

and be gracious to you;

26

the Lord turn his face toward you

and give you peace.”’ That’s my prayer for you as you endure whatever trial you’re going through

Is that He would BLESS you

And KEEP you

And make his FACE shine upon you,

Be GRACIOUS

And give you PEACE- even if it doesn’t make sense. Next time we’ll continue on this topic of suffering

And we’ll go over potential REASONS why God allows us to suffer

Comfort and PROMISES to those who suffer

INSTRUCTIONS for how we should suffer as Christians,

And EVENTUALLY get to LESSONS from JOB’S infamous experience

with suffering… But that’s all I have for you today- Thank you guys for listening to the Unscripted Faith Podcast.

As always if you have questions,

Feedback

Or ideas for upcoming shows, Please email them to me at UnscriptedFaithPodcast@gmail.com!

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